Sunday, July 8, 2012

Single State of The Union: Single Women Speak Out

Single State of the Union was recommended on another blog that I was browsing through last week.  After reading the reviews on I decided to purchase it.    I don't usually read books like this because they tend to be anti-male.  I am not anti-male just because I am still a single female over 40.  I also do not like the words "I don't need a man".  I feel that those words do not serve humanity in any way.  Never the less after reading the reviews it seemed like  a book I would find interesting so I made the purchase.

More than thirty women from around the country contribute to the contents of Single State of the Union.  I have to say that some of the stories left me wondering what the heck it has to do with being a single woman.  Others had me laughing out loud.  For the most part I was able to relate to many of the experiences.

For instance, a single woman buying her own house without a man can make people (including other women) raise their eyebrows.  I personally have purchased not one but two homes all on my own without a husband or live in boyfriend.  When I first went house hunting back in the mid 1990's real estate agents did not take me too seriously.  Even though I said that I want a house that has 3 to 4 bedrooms with at least 2000 square feet of space, the realtors would take me to see 1 or 2 bedroom condos or houses that only had 1 or 2 bedrooms.  These properties were also on the market for a long time because they were tiny and not very nice looking inside.  

One realtor came out and asked me point blank what did I need so much space for.  If I wanted to buy a 20 room mansion that is ten thousand square feet that is my right to do so without having to explain why.  It is my money to spend as I please.  The realtors only job is to help me find a house that I want in my price range.  My first house was 2600 square feet and had ten rooms.  My present house is over 4000 square feet and has 15 rooms and I love every inch of it.  I have my own library, arts and crafts room and big kitchen that is fun to cook in.  I purchase big homes simply because I love having so much space.  I don't need any other reason than that.  

It is true that I do not need a man in terms of being able to purchase a home or other material items, but I do think that we all benefit greatly from having love in our lives.  In that way I say that men and women need each other.

I think that what I and the contributors of this book have in common is that we are simply not willing to get married just for the sake of having a husband.  I am all for marriage and would so love to be married, but having a man in the house just to say that I am Mrs. so and so makes no sense.  I am not looking for Mr. perfect, but I am looking for Mr. right for me. 

I am not interested in being superwoman.  I am happy knowing that I can take care of myself and purchase the material things that I want and pay my bills.  Marriage, to me, goes much deeper than that.  Sacred union to me are two people who truly like as well as love one another.  The two of you are such kindred spirits that you really enjoy being together all the time.  It is also about having shared values, respect for one another, caring about each others welfare and not being able to imagine life without the other person.  It does help to have common interests and similar goals.  

For instance, I have a very adventurous spirit and I see life as an adventure.  The men that I have met in the past were not that way.  One day when I am ready to hand over my brownstone to its next steward I hope to be on my way to living abroad.  It would be nice to find a husband who is open to that.  Together we can see and experience the world.  How wonderful it would be to move to France with a husband whom I love with all my heart and who loves me in the same way.  Or maybe we will decide to live in England.  How about Italy?  I am open to it all.  

Like many of the contributors to this book, I never had any children.  I always wanted children, but I also did not want to have any out of wedlock or be a single mother, so I didn't.  I do not however pass judgement on women who do choose to become single mothers.  It is a choice that every single woman has to make for herself.    My one regret though is not having any children.  Sometimes I think that maybe I should have had at least one child anyway.

It is okay to choose remaining single if that is what a woman really wants.  A woman's worth should never be based on whether or not she has a significant other.  Society does have a tendency to stereotype single women, especially if we have never been married and are over 40.  People wonder if we have something wrong with us.  I think  that we can be too picky, but as we become more mature I think that time cures some of us of that.  There isn't anything wrong with having standards and sticking to them, but it is important to realize when you have gone too far with it.   Remember that this magical fairy tale man that we want has to live with us too....(can I get a smile?)


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