Saturday, May 12, 2012

Are Males Hardwired to Cheat?

I think that Mr. Darcy (of Pride & Prejudice) and John Thornton (of North & South) would agree with this statement.

Many men and women believe that men are naturally hardwired to be unfaithful.  I say nonsense!  That is an excuse that some (not all) men use to avoid commitment and behave in ways that are less than honorable.  Some women have bought into this notion.  The urge to have sex is a natural instinct that we all have and I understand that completely.  What I do not buy into is the idea that it is hardwired within the DNA of males to want to lay his seed into multiple females.  To me that is making a mocking of what sex is really all about.  It is an act that was always intended to be a beautiful and heartfelt experience between a man and a woman.   If all men are hardwired to cheat then that would mean there is no man on the face of this earth that could ever be faithful to any woman.  I refuse to accept such a degrading notion about men.  Men do exist who are faithful to their wife and love her all the days of his life, so that is proof to me that men are not naturally prone to behave like dogs.

I think that cheating is linked to insecurity, culture and opposing messages that society gives males and females.  For example, boys are supposed to go out and sow their wild oats but females are supposed to be chaste and virginal.  If a female is not chaste and virginal then she is considered a slut or easy.  Well how much sense does that make?  If a male is supposed to go out and sow his wild oats who is he supposed to sow them with if you tell females that we are supposed to be chaste and virginal?  How stupid is that?  This is a twisted "rule" that society (probably males) came up with.  If a female is "loose" because she sleeps with any man, then I have news for you males.  Since you slept with her too, you are no better than she is so don't go fooling yourself.  I don't want to get too off subject though.  This is a post about whether or not males are hardwired within their DNA to be cheaters. 

I am originally from Panama in Central America.  In some Spanish cultures (and probably others) men are almost expected to have a mistress.  As long as he takes very good care of his wife and children and keeps his mistress behind the scenes, it is considered by the men to be perfectly alright to have sex with another woman that is not his wife.  Of course the wives is not afforded the same "privilege".  

I think it would be a good idea for men to remember that every woman is someone's daughter, aunt, sister, cousin etc., that is a living breathing, thinking, feeling being and not simply a body that can accommodate his penis.

I recently had this conversation with a male friend that I know.  I asked him if he would answer a few questions on this subject for my blog.  He was gracious enough to agree to do it, but prefers to remain anonymous in case his male friends ever read this.  He doesn't want them to get mad at him...LOL!  He will be known only as DL.  DL is in his mid-forties and is divorced with two teenage children.  While he was married he says that he never cheated on his wife because he took his vows seriously.  Monogamy for him is non-negotiable.  Below are the questions and DL's answers.  Thank you very much DL.

  1. Xenia - As a man, in your opinion, do you believe that men are hardwired within their DNA to want to have sex with multiple women and why? DL - Good question and yes, I am a man- I do believe it is a bit of hard-wiring and learned behavior.  I do believe men hold tight to their caveman roots and as powerful hunters and gatherers have a need for conquest. See our power hungry leaders for examples. We also tend to live up to our cultural stereotypes and our upbringing. To answer your question succinctly, yes and no.

  1. Xenia - Can you personally be happy with one woman for the rest of your life?  That woman is the only woman you are physically intimate with as long as you are both together.  This means you could be married to her until you are 90 years old.  DL - Simple answer for me is yes, and do you have her phone number. Some may argue that this is impossible to love only one person and grow with them through a lifetime. I am more hopeful then that.

  1. Xenia - Suppose you meet a woman who you find very attractive and interesting.  You start dating her and you enjoy being with her immensely.  You are both connecting on so many levels.  She has a great sense of humor and conversation is easy.  You can talk for hours with her and she is a great match for your intellect.  She is a strong woman without making you feel like she doesn’t need a man but instead welcomes your strengths as complementary to her strengths.  You are ready to take the relationship to the next level which is physical intimacy, but then she tells you that she does not want to be physically intimate outside of marriage.  She is not religious and she may have even been married before herself and have children.  She simply does not want to become physically intimate unless she is married, but otherwise she really digs you and cares about you very much.  Now what would you do?  Would you keep dating her respecting that one core value of hers; maybe you have been thinking privately that she would make a great wife and one day down the road the two of you will get married.  Or do you keep it moving and start seeing someone else?  You may really like this woman, but she is being silly and unrealistic?  You have to make sure that she can deliver “the goods” and rock your world in bed.  Or do you trust that your love for each other will see to it that physical intimacy is more than you ever dreamed possible-. DL - Good things are worth waiting for. We are all in a big rush for instant gratification and letting love simmer over time seems unreasonable. Fellow daters would or should say that meeting the right person is better then meeting the right now person. Though, someone saying they do not want to be intimate until their married could be a red flag at least in 2012. Sounds romantic on the surface but actually seems, well, creepy. Though the intimacy match is incredibly important I think many would agree that finally meeting Mr or Mrs Right is worth the wait. To answer all your questions in one sentence. Love is worth waiting for and meeting that one special person you want to share your life with is better then any romance novel or film. It is all about two people with similar values who want to make a commitment, and hopefully a lust full, lasting commitment. Can people change from how they are hardwired? I would like to think so or is that the forgotten hope of a romantic.     



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